The kind of person that jumps off the rope swing
Why am I nervous? Why can’t I just be brave? Why can’t I always be confident? It’s easy for me to look in the mirror and wish for a better version of myself — one without the insecurities and flaws that I carry around all the time. Though I’m well on my way to addressing these insecurities, healing always takes longer than one would like. On the other hand, it also seems like healing happens at just the right time.
Over the summer, I spent a day kayaking down the Flint River with a group of co-workers and friends. We piled into a van, drove to a secluded spot down by the riverside, and slid our kayaks into the cold water for a four-hour journey. With sunscreen, snacks, and a bottle of wine spritzer, I was ready for an adventure.
I have so many fun memories from this day. The way the sun gleamed through the tree branches, casting patterns on the water. Everyone’s smiles and laughs as we all floated on okay. Even getting stuck in the shallows and having to drag our boats to deeper water was exciting. However, the rope swing we encountered about halfway through the excursion is one of the most special memories.
We had been searching for one the entire trip, and — finally — we saw it. The rope swing hung high above the water, only accessible via a wobbly ladder nailed into a giant tree. It was a daring challenge meant only for the brave.
There were a handful of risk-takers that were willing to go first. I planted my kayak against a half-submerged tree on the river to stop and watch the action. While the initial jumpers may have seemed nervous at first, it only took one successful launch to boost their confidence. One after another, they sprung off the ladder, flew through the air, and splashed into the river below. Many were able to soar nearly as high as the tree tops. We cheered and applauded. Our trip length extended significantly from the time we spent there together.
After each person flew off the rope and splashed into the river, I would ask myself a quiet, looming question. Do I want to jump next? I was torn. It seemed scary and risky. Plus, I’m not super athletic. What if I make a fool of myself? No, not a good idea. Next time. I’ll definitely try it next time. Seems fun, but not a good idea. I’m not the type of person that jumps off the rope swing.
Then, suddenly and without much warning, I was.
Whether it was the fruits of my many months of focused self-care or the bottled wine spritzer (or a mix between the two), I can’t say for sure. But, there I was, paddling my kayak towards the edge of the river. Then, there I was, starting to climb out of my kayak. Against all odds, there I was — the brave, confident version of myself I had always wanted to see in the mirror. I had finally just chosen to see it.
“Choosing” to see the best version of myself and to believe in myself wholly is more than a quick one-and-done, unfortunately. That’d be too easy. Choosing is practicing mindfulness everyday to better identify and understand my feelings. It’s knowing my triggers and knowing the right decisions for my well-being. It’s recognizing the hurdles I’ve overcome and practicing patience with both others and myself. And, most importantly, it’s loving and accepting myself as I exist now.
I stepped out of the water and onto the shore. Everyone began cheering as this new version of myself climbed up the worn ladder. It was slippery and covered in mud, and I was horrified. I could hardly reach the rope, and I was second-guessing myself. The previous jumpers shouted advice at me, but it all just sounded like white noise. One second felt like ten thousand seconds. My fingers clenched the rope. I took a deep breath, leaned forward, and plunged.
I plunged…
…straight down into the water. A near-vertical drop. The glorious launches and leaps of my predecessors were godly compared to my swift, gravity-laden descent. There’s a video of it somewhere.
It was awesome.
I have pretty weak arm strength. I don’t know what I expected to happen. But, with that single action, I had become the kind of person that jumps off the rope swing. All things considered, it may have been the most impressive jump of the day.
